(God-Wrestler)

I was reading through some of my older posts and I came across this one. I forgot about it and I really like it. So I thought I would share it with you again. 

The breeze blows by riding down the path
their lonely faces appear, some are filled with fear
all trying to avoid His wrath.

I keep riding, and just look away
their eyes give a stare, they think i'm unaware
and all i know to do is pray

They don't see His Good
They don't see He is forever
Blind to His faithfulness
Blind to His Love
They don't see

I stear my bike to the side
they watch me go, they are asking if it's no
I don't know why I duck and hide

Why don't they understand
how can i reach them all, but how can i let them fall
Why don't they reach for His hand

They don't see His Good
They don't see He is forever
Blind to His faithfulness
Blind to His Love
They don't see

The Lord is good,
His love endures forever
His faithfulness continues
They Don't See

They don't see His Good
They don't see He is forever
Blind to His faithfulness
Blind to His Love
They don't see

They don't see His Good
They don't see He is forever
Blind to His faithfulness
Blind to His Love
They don't see

I pray louder, louder, louder
Lord let them see Your Good
Lord let them see You Forever
See His Faithfulness
See His Love
Lord let them See

What would you do if you could do what ever you really wanted right now? What would you change or try to do differently? I have been asking myself this alot lately to try and really focus on what goals I have and how to work towards them. Here is the conclusion that I have come to. 

If I could do what I really want to do right now, it would be to go to grad school. I really have a strong desire to go back to school for my masters. The next question is a masters in what. I have gone back and forth on this and its down to two choices. First choice would be a masters in divinity. My second choice would be a masters in some type of counseling, like to be a high school counselor. So if this is what I really want to do then why don't I go do it. 

Well I have run into some problems. First problem is that I have no idea how I could pay for it. I took out more loans for my undergrad than I would have liked and I dont want to have to take out more for my masters. Then well my lets just say that my final gpa wasn't too wonderful. It was way better than I needed to graduate but still not good enough for the programs I'm interested in.

So where do I go from here is the next question. What do I have to do so I can do what I want to do? I don't know. I just felt like ranting a little. If you would of told me this is what my life would look like almost at age 25 back in high school. I would have laughed so hard at you. I guess thats life and how God works in his time and not my time.

Is everything I do meaningless? Is the life we live like chasing after the wind, a task so pointless its hard to imagine? There are many moments that I find myself giving into this idea that I live a truly meaningless life. The author of Ecclesiastes addressed this feeling to in chapter 2:10-11.

10 I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
       I refused my heart no pleasure.
       My heart took delight in all my work,
       and this was the reward for all my labor.
 11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
       and what I had toiled to achieve,
       everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
       nothing was gained under the sun.

Thinking this way begins to truly scare me. We must see that God gives meaning to our lives, that he provides the delightment of our hearts, not the labor we toil over. Our meaning can be found in God, we are told so in Ephesians 2:10 

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Our meaning is found in doing the good works Christ has prepared for us. I would say that if we continue to find no meaning in what we are doing, then we may not be doing what Christ has prepared for us in advance. The meaning could also be lost be cost we do not know our own identity and purpose. I do not know where to find those except for in Christ. Who we are in Christ is a life lived to the full, a life of meaning and purpose.

So I haven't been in the mood or really wanting to write anything lately. I feel like all the creative juice has just been sucked out of me. If you weren't aware I actually have a job now. Well its a job in the fact that they pay me for being there. I took the night auditor position at Forest Park Suites. If you can't tell i'm not the least bit excited about this except for the fact that i will actually be bringing some income in.

I had so many dreams, desires, and ambitions. They all seemed to fly out the window when i started working here. This is not what i had in mind at all and well it has sunk me into a reality that i never saw coming. I would venture to say that i am depressed. Well as depressed as my personality will let me be. There is nothing happy about this job, but I am trying to learn the joy that this job can offer me. I know God has to be using this situation in my life for something, I guess i was hoping that i was past this learning phase of my life.

I was hoping that I would be doing something that I found meaningful. I know that I do many meaningful things through young life and sharing my life with others but I just wanted my job to also have a greater purpose than just taking people's money and printing useless reports.

I don't know what more to say, I'm tired of saying it. Just pray for me that God gives me peace with this job or leads me to something new.

Romans 8:26-28 (The Message)

26-28Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

So I feel like I'm stuck in pit of quick sand. The more I try the more it feels like I'm seeking. I got no help in sight. I can't get a job anywhere. At this point I applied for over 110 different positions and have only had two interviews which have gone no where. I have given up on going for jobs that I want and have applied for anything that seems to be feasible. I'm not asking for much, just an entry level salary and decent hours.

I guess a bachelors degree just doesn't cut it anymore. I am either not qualified for the position or I look over qualified. I can't seem to get a call back on a stupid retail job. Needless to say I am beginning to get very discouraged and losing any bit of motivation I have.

One positive thing I am trying to get out of this is how I am defining myself. I see that in most peoples lives today the define themselves essentially on the jobs they have. Ask somebody who they are and most of the time they would reply with well I'm so and so I work for blah. I want to say, I'm Randy and I live for Christ. Christ is the only hope that I have right now. I have faith that he will provide me with any needs I have.

I need a job!

I am pretty much open to anything at this point. Something that gives me some sort of income would be nice.

I have officially lost my motivation to do pretty much anything. I don't think I have ever been like this before, but I don't care about doing anything. I don't feel the need to do anything, and I have no reason to seriously get out of bed. This job search has really taken it all out of me. I have now put out ruffly fifty applications and have barely received any responses.

I should be excited about all of this "free time" that I have now. I could work on so many projects that I have desired to do but never had the time too. I could clean my room and organize my life, but instead I sit in front of the TV with my laptop not paying any attention to the TV or doing anything on my laptop but waiting for an email to come through. My life has always been so busy and now it has come to a complete stop.

You would think that this would be great for me to really spend sometime with God, but it has really been a distraction for me. I keep saying, "I have all day to do that," and then never get around to spending time with the one I love. I am just waiting as patiently as I can. I am waiting for the Lord to move in my life, to give me the direction I have been needing on where my life is going now. I might be missing that if I can't really listen to Him.

If you were to ask me a few years ago what my life would like now, it would not resemble anything like this. I would have never said that I would be 23 living with my parents, unemployed with a college degree, and over weight with out a girlfriend. I feel like such a loser. To top it all off my high school reunion is this coming weekend and well I don't feel good about it at all.

I can, however, say that I am where I'm at while following Christ and part of me wants to believe I am right where Christ's wants me and is preparing me for greater things in life. Its becoming harder and harder to truly believe that though. So, I will sit here patiently and wait on the Lord.

Lamentations 3:24
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

So one thing that was asked of me during summer staff was if I had a verse that was the my life theme. What piece of scripture do you look at as the the guiding principle of my life? Well I had no answer. I don't know if that is good or bad. I mean I have lots of verses that mean a lot to me and that I try to apply daily. I also feel that the bible as a whole is a theme for me. I mean its all God's word and God's direction in my life. So is it right/good to have just one theme verse in your life or does that limit the power the scripture as a whole has to work in your life?

Is there a balance I need to find to where one bit of scripture I focus on daily while I chew on other scripture in my life? Can I find different scripture during different phases in my life to act as the theme of my life? All I know is that when it was asked of me and I had no answer I was given the "are you serious what kind of a christian are you look." But in all honesty I don't know if its a bad thing to not have a theme verse for my life.

I would like to know your thoughts on this. Please let me know if you have a theme verse or what you think about this idea.

To hope is to love, to love is to seek God, to seek God is Righteousness

just a thought i had....

Well everybody i'm not gonna lie. I am really starting to stress out. Our cornhole tournament to raise money for camp is coming up fast and well we're not getting the turn out i had hoped. Maybe everyone is waiting to sign up at the last minute. I don't know. All i know its really stressing me out.

If you can please sign up and play. Help support our Young Life area.

Here is the details for the tournament.

Register at www.ylcornholeclassic.com

Date: Saturday June 7th, 2008
Time: Check-In/Practice: 10:30 am — Tournament Starts: 11:15 am
Entry Fee: $40.00 if registered by May 31st — $50.00 if registered after

Location:
Northwest High School
10761 Pippin Rd
Cincinnati, OH 45231
Click here for directions

Prizes*: $500 to Winning Team — $200 to Runner-Up Team

If you register by the 31rst you save $10, but i understand if you want to register later and give us more money.

However you will have plenty of chances at the tourney.

We are going to have a basket auction and we already have some really cool stuff like an autographed ball from UC football coach Brian Kelly and more.

Plus there will be concessions.

AND*** If you want a cornhole set of your own, all the sets for the tourney, (which i made) will be auctioned off.

Please come and support us and have a fun afternoon.

My days are going by so fast. I have no time to accomplish anything. My mind wonders and I lose focus. The pressure is on now.... only a few more weeks then I'm done with this mile stone of my life. Then sadly its off to start the next one.

All I want to do is worship!
All I want to do is serve!
All I want to do is love him!

I must persevere, I must cross that finish line...

The light above me flickers, a jack hammer rings through the window, the sunshine is so bright it makes me smile. My non-linear interactive game is due in 20 hours, i need to start that, my org comm application paper is due Wednesday, my law exam is tomorrow, my book report for PR is due Thursday, my yard needs work, my ideas need to be written, my mission statement needs perfection, we're going bowling tonight, and my dog's need a lot of love.

Man its only Monday. Where is the beach when you need one!

Above all, through this I need time with Christ, 20 mins in the morning isn't enough anymore, i thirst for Christ, i starve for Christ, I am consumed with Christ.

Grant me Wisdom, Give me Vision, Light my Path, and Hear my Songs to You!

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
Philippians 2: 12-13

What is Paul saying here? Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling. We should fear our salvation or be in fear of the fact that Jesus was able to be our salvation. I think this ties into the concept of being a God fearing man. Which is something that I have wrestled with for awhile now. Why should I fear God? Doesn't God love me and want to do great things with me? Aren't I supposed to love God back? How is living in fear of God going to let me grow closer to God?

Now, I have done some research into what this idea of fearing God really means. Most scholars have said it is a way to express a deep respect for God. I believe that is a valid point, however I feel being in love with God is another way to show deep respect for him. I still cannot fathom how fearing God will get me closer into his love. So I will continue on loving God and working on figuring out if I will fear him.

So when do you know when something is true? How do you know when something is true? What is the truth?
Wordnet says that truth is:

a fact that has been verified

conformity to reality or actuality

Sometimes things are just true and you don't have to question it because they just conform to reality, like my car has four wheels. I know this is the truth because when I see my car in reality there are four wheels. I can also verify this truth by using math to count the number of wheels on my car. This truth can't be argued. My car has four wheels.

Now this seems simple, but we can look at our history to realize that truth is more complicated than that. For instance, there was a time when the world was convinced the earth was flat. You can see the land in front of you and behind, sometimes there are hills but overall the world was flat. That argument was never really settled until we were able to see earth from space and the round earth then became reality and our truth was forced to conform.

So from this I find that it is easy to discover the truth when you can take an objective look into what is being debated over as true or false. When trying to decide if the earth was round or flat no one could really prove it. There was evidence of the earth being round and flat but it was hard to really confirm that. Then when we were able to take a look from the outside in, it was like a big DUH moment because you could plainly see the earth was round.

What about deciding if our feelings and emotions are true. For some this isn't an issue, if I feel this then it is reality and it is truth. Others second guess their emotions and believe that they can have false emotions or feelings, because they are there does not necessarily make them true. This internal struggle I believe comes from the fact that we are in our emotions and feelings, like we are in the earth. Until we can come out of our selves and look into our emotions we can not really know the truth behind them.

So how can we truly understand if our feelings are the truth or a false emotion that we are projecting? For myself, I turn to God to help discern the truth of my feelings.
James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
I know that God will give the wisdom I need to discern the truth behind my feelings.

I have been really digging through this book by Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis, and I have read some interesting things about what God claims and how we know its true. Rob talks about the writings of Paul in 1 Corinthians, particularly this verse;
1 Corinthians 3:21-23
So then, no more boasting about men! All things are yours, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or the present or the future—all are yours, and you are of Christ, and Christ is of God.
Rob says that Paul is making the claim that truth is every where. God has everything, Christ has God, and we have Christ, therefore we have it all too. The truth of life is all around us and we should recognize that when we see it because we have what God has, and what God has is true.
Rob Bell puts it this way.
"Claim it. "
"If it is true, if it is beautiful, it is is honorable, if it is right, then claim it. Because its is from God. And you belong to God." (Velvet Elvis, pg 79)

This rang true to me. It made sense to me. This is how I want to look at things around me, in me, and that are apart of me. I do not believe it is an exact science, but I agree with how these elements can help me decide if they are of God for me to have.

So I ask myself now. Are these feelings true, beautiful, honorable, or right then I work my way from there to claim.

I say now, that I am claiming these feelings for I find they true, beautiful, honorable, right and of God.

This is the design on my New Year's Shirt that I got from shirt.woot.com. When I saw it I couldn't pass it up, and apparently a lot of other people thought I should have it too. I guess my 2007 sucked so bad that it almost made for a perfect country song. All that was missing was either my dog dying or my Dad in jail. I lost my job, my girlfriend dumped me, and I broke my ankle.

Needless to say this year was a difficult year for me. The world that I knew was thrown upside down and all out of my control. It became hard to see anything good out of the crap that was thrown in my way.

I see now though that it was all for the best. That these obstacles help me grow in ways that I never thought I would have to grow in and completely changed how I rely on God. This past year deepened my relationship with God by leaps and bounds. Showing me how far I am from him yet how close I can be with him.

This past year may not be one that I look back on and say man that was good times, but it will be a year that I can look back on and say, wow that really helped to define who I am. This next year, 2008, has got me all excited. It has to be better than this past year. It feels like I am getting another fresh start, and can shape this year into another defining year of my life.

So, for as much as 2007 sucked, it was a good thing.

Happy New Year Everyone.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)

So this last couple of weeks have been so incredibly busy for me. With the ending of this semester and all my exams and final projects. Then starting a new job and having a lot of cornhole sets to do. I will say that it feels good to be busy again. However the last few weeks have thrown me back into a rut with my time with God. The more busy I become the easier it is for me to justify not spending time with God. When what I really need is to be spending more and more time with him. Its a never ending cycle with me and I can't seem to solve this puzzle.

My thoughts have been consumed lately over things that I wish I didn't have to deal with. I absolutely hate it when I can not share my thoughts and feelings, but I know that doing so sometimes may cause more issues than i'm prepared to deal with. Under other circumstances this wouldn't be an issue. Oh what do I do.

So the next issue is my problems with Christmas. I don't know why but I really could care less about Christmas. This is a holiday that is a paramount part of my faith yet I want nothing to do with. It has turned into such burden and I get so annoyed and loose sight of the celebration part. Why can't we all just get together and sing happy birthday to Jesus. How has our society allowed Christmas to become what it is.

Here is some pics of the cornhole sets that I made this Christmas season.
The yellowjacket was painted by Jen, I can't take credit for that.
However the Skyline set was painted by Me. :)

Sometimes sadness is easy because it is surrender and well I REFUSE to surrender thus I REFUSE to be sad.

The only surrender I can allow is my life in Christ because that surrender is pure JOY, no sorrow, no sadness.

I don't know what to say... I don't want to ruin this... its just all in my head. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and be different about this. What was that dream about last night... it seemed so real... Is it more than that or is that just what my head does in my sleep. Where are the answers at, when will they come. Its so fragile and in any other place it would be so insignificant. Why do I make such a big deal over things like that. Seriously though, the dream was so real.

Today is November 28th. Yep November 28th. I think thats enough said.